New Study Finds Blonde Jokes May All Be True

Researchers have discovered that at times blondes’ brains are not always entirely asleep nor awake, but parts of them can go “offline”. This, they claim, accounts for many things such as mistaking train tracks for deer tracks just prior to being hit by a train, waking up in strange places, mistaking a library for a McDonald’s (see video) and making statements like “I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.” ( Cameron Diaz ).

The feeling of being “half asleep” which causes forgetfulness and small errors such as misplacing keys or putting the milk in the cupboard or the cereal in the fridge has been felt by almost everyone, but this new research suggests that it is more inherent in blondes then any other portion of the population. A non-blonde team at the University of Wisconsin measured electrical waves in the brains of healthy blondes of various ages and discovered that some nerve cells in fully awake blonde individuals can often go “offline” for hours at a time.

Professor Mark Davis, a psychiatrist and former boyfriend of a blonde, said: “Even before a blonde feels fatigued, there are signs in the brain that they might have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time. Many blondes may be awake but falling asleep, and about to say or do something most people would consider stupid.” The study ruled out the possibility of bleached blondes being affected by this phenomena (Exception to this being Pamela Anderson – see below). Interestingly enough, most blondes could understand each others’ gibberish, even when researchers had no idea what they were on about.
Until now, scientists thought that blondness affected the entire brain. But electroencephalograms (EEGs), that measure electrical activity in the brain, can detect whether certain neurons in the blonde brain are on or off. Prof Davis said: “We know that when they are blonde, they make mistakes, their attention wanders and they tend to make silly comments. We have seen with EEGs that even while they are awake, they can experience shorts periods of ‘Blonde Sleep’.”

In the study, when they were challenged to do a tricky task, such as walking while trying to write a text message or remembering the name of their boyfriend, they began to get confused after a few simple tasks, indicating that a few neurons might have gone offline.
Prof Davis said: “This activity happened in few cells. For instance, out of 20 neurons we monitored in one experiment, 18 stayed awake.” This makes drinking alcohol a very dangerous option, as killing brain cells and damaging neurotransmitters may result in the working ones going permanently offline.

The researchers tested only the simplest of tasks, and they concluded in the study published in the National Blonde Journal, that blondes indeed may have more fun, simply because they are not even sure if what they are doing is fun or not.

The research team began their project after studying quotes from famous blondes (see below).

Lindsay Lohan “The biggest misconception is probably that I don’t have my head in the right place.”
Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: “Wal-Mart… do they like make walls there?”
Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: “I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: “A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It’s my first day of 7th grade, I’m in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!”
Sam Fox on fitness clothes: “I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes – one for every day of the week.”
Britney Spears on Japan “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: “Sorry I don’t eat buffalo.”
Christina Aguilera on film festivals: “So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?”
Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: “I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.”
Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: “I don’t think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!”
Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

* Please note; no blondes were injured in this study and Last exit to Reality does not necessarily support the findings or beliefs held by the scientists in this study, the University of Wisconsin, George W Bush or the Church of Scientology.

To completely elucidate on the full objectivity of this report, it should be noted that the writer of this article is a natural blonde and belongs to what scientists refer to as the “extraneous variable group” which also includes prominent individuals such as Elle McPherson, Reese Witherspoon and Bjorn Borg.

Help keep us writing. You can spare a bit, go on, course you can.