Last Exit to Reality has obtained some shocking top-secret details of the upcoming Facebook IPO that have not been made public. Our inside source at the internet giant’s Silicon Valley headquarters managed to smuggle out the documents before going into hiding somewhere in South America.
According to information that we have seen, anyone who has even logged into the site since January 1st, 2012 is now fully owned by Facebook inc. Users were given the option to opt out of being owned in November 2011 but the process was so convoluted that any person with less than 3 masters degrees could not understand it. The process is no longer available but went something like this;
Account > Security > App Settings > Login Approvals > Location Settings > Privacy > Edit Custom Settings > Language > Chinese > Rights and Regulations > Internal Settings > Ownership Opt Out > Are You Sure You Want to Opt Out > Are You Really Sure > Last Chance > Cancel Account
All users that did not complete the opt-out process before the 1st of January this year will receive an email and text letting them know that they are the property of Facebook, immediately after the IPO goes through.. Everyone owned by Facebook will be required to post a minimum of one status update a day and “like” at least one page a month. Anyone not doing so will be publicly “unfriended”, meaning no other Facebook friends will be allowed to interact with them for 4 weeks for a first offense or 10 weeks for a second offense. The documents go on to say that if a user that has lapsed takes an online posting course, then the sentence can be reduced by 2 weeks. Offenders that lapse a third time in their responsibilities will no longer be allowed to access their account at all – but status updates and likes will be generated for them by a computer using algorithm mapping technology. And since their identity is now owned by Facebook they will have to change their name and can no longer lay claim to any past history they may have had.
Buried deep in the fine print of the 1753 page IPO documents we found a reference to “user privacy issues regarding data protection and other communications” relating to issue 2101.1 document 3, page 27. While cross referencing this with the documents we obtained from our source we found that this was connected to a bill being pushed through congress at the moment making it illegal to make a fake Facebook page, using a false name on the site or posting false information. So anyone you have friended named “Candy Kane” or Psy Clone” will most probably soon disappear.
No-one has even noticed that the bill exists as it is tacked on to an obscure draft about farm and agriculture allowing privately owned telephone lines to be put across farmland in a Nebraska. It is reported that Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg donated $1 billion to both the Republican and Democratic parties to get the addition tacked on to the bill. Secret Facebook IPO documents also flag privacy watchdogs as risky to its future success and it is rumored that they have asked certain “friendly” members of congress to investigate if privacy groups can be silenced under the patriot act.
A spokesman for Facebook said that the charges were “absolutely ridiculous” and asked us “how could Facebook could possibly own anyone?” He also said (off the record) that I had better get posting if I wanted to keep my profile and that they would be looking into my past when Facebook Timeline© is forced upon all users next month.
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