Superheroes Saving the World :: Dressing in Spandex Makes You Bulletproof


Faithful readers of Last Exit to Reality will be aware that we recently did a piece on the perils of Cosplay. In the course of our diligent research and constant quest for the truth, we have uncovered yet more information regarding this behavior and how it may one day save mankind. In this ground-breaking story we bring you exclusive information on how cosplayers could actually save the world.

While most cosplayers are content to dress up as cartoons and hang out with other cartoon characters, some cosplayers (and ex-pro wrestlers) have decided that just dressing up is not as exciting as it used to be. They want to fight crime, save the planet and inspire a nation. Of course they no longer call themselves cosplayers, they are now Superheroes. That’s right, you heard it here first, Superheroes are REAL.

Phoenix Jones is bulletproof

We sent a team to The U.S.A. to delve into the world of superheroes, a tight-knit group of brave men and women who take on criminals on the mean streets of America and across the world. Most of them have a secret identity, to protect them and their families from attacks when they are not in their super-costume. (And presumably from ridicule also.) Many are trained in martial arts, parkour (so they can run away), and first aid. None seem to have any real super powers.

Last Exit put on a mask and cape and got in touch with Superheroes Anonymous, who bill themselves as “The premier organization for real life superheroes.” They help individuals develop their superhero persona, educate them about the work of superheroes and organize large-scale super patrols and missions. They will be holding a big superhero convention on the weekend of October 28-30th (coincidentally Halloween) in New York to meet the Supers.

Purple Rain and Phoenix Jones

But we wanted to see the supers in action, not just a group of people dressed up in spandex at a cosplay convention. (We have already done that.) So we went to Washington state to try to meet up with Phoenix Jones, a prominent member of Seattle’s vigilante collective The Rain City Superhero Movement. From his photos, Facebook pages and website, he certainly looks the part of a superhero, has bulletproof amour built into his suit and is even married to another crime fighter known as PurpleReign. We could not actually meet up with him though because he was in jail at the time and it seems that his days as a superhero are now over. Just last week, his identity was revealed as 23-year-old MMA fighter Benjamin Fodor when he was arrested for assaulting four people with pepper-spray outside of a nightclub. Phoenix insists that he was trying to break up a fight, but the pepper-spray victims say they were simply hanging out when they were accosted. Maybe he got too excited during a slow crime week. Lucky for us his team at The Rain City Superhero Movement gave us the lowdown on some other superheroes. But with the latest flack over Phoenix Jones, they preferred to remain anonymous themselves.

Tangen

They said that just because Jones is out of the picture, there is no need to worry as he is but one of a handful of superheroes-without-powers that patrol the planet earth. Tangen is an ex-policeman turned superhero in Florida. He once-upon-a-time saved a girl from drowning in her car. When the people of Clearwater asked him what they could do in return, he responded, “You don’t owe me anything. I’m a superhero!”

Samaritan is a NYC superhero. He is a reportedly skilled in martial artists and wears military fatigues. He is a self-proclaimed peacekeeper and humanitarian that patroles the streets preventing and putting a stop to violent crimes. There is no information at all on whether or not a guy walking around in military fatigues lowers the crime rate.

Mr. Xtreme & Urban Avenger

In San Diego, Mr. Xtreme has been a superhero for more than a decade. Having grown up with bullying and gang attacks against him (maybe people just thought he was a noob?), he decided he must take a stand and protect the innocent. With spiked cuffs, x-game equipment (whatever that is), a bulletproof vest and a side-kick called Urban Avenger he is out to save the world. (Or at least a couple of city blocks in California.) I am sure that people feel a lot safer when they see these two in gas masks.

From Hong Kong to San Francisco and everywhere in between, people are suddenly turning into the superheroes they have always wanted to be. There is no pre-requisite to becoming a super, you just need to find a tacky spandex costume, be self-righteous and be ready to get the crap kicked out of you by people you mistake as criminals or gangs that think you look stupid. There is no pay, you will never be able to fly and there isn’t a chance in hell anyone will take you seriously. Sounds like the perfect job for cosplayers. After all, they already believe that their superpowers are real.

Crmson Fist   Black Arrow   Red Arrow   Supergay

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8 thoughts on “Superheroes Saving the World :: Dressing in Spandex Makes You Bulletproof

  1. FRIKIN USELESS ANOTHER ARTICLE SLAGGING DOWN EVERYONE DIFFERENT TO YOU. UR BACKSIDE MUST ACHE FROM ALL THAT CEASELESS RIDIN’ YOU DO ON THE OLE BANDWAGON.

    POOR POOR AND POOR AGAIN

    • Hi Lovin’ Oven from Clown Town,
      This blog is meant to be sarcastic. It states this, from the very beginning. A satirical look at the world can often help people look at “popular culture” and let them see the other side of it, and how silly it can be. If you don’t like it, put on some spandex and join the league. It is clear that your grasp of English isn’t good enough to get a you a real job.
      Good luck on your super powers.
      Thanks for your enlightening comments.
      PS. OH, AND WHAT IS WITH THE CAPS? FORGET WHERE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS?

  2. I do not even know how I stopped up here, nonetheless I believed this post used to be great. I do not recognize who you might be but undoubtedly you’re going to a well-known blogger ought to you are not already Cheers!

  3. nicely written as always! i definitely like that kind of humor in it.
    ooops, just realized that my costume isn’t suitable for the tropics….

    keep it up!!!

      • It’s raining Geeks! Ever hear of the movie
        Special? It stared a super hero whose only
        power was his massive delusions – and yet
        somehow – you felt like rooting for him. I get
        the feeling these people are modern Don
        Quixote’s – though I fear if they picked a
        fight with a modern whindmill They’ed
        get sliced in half ‘~’

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