From Russia With Love (Or How to get Laid in Russia and Get Some New Jeans Too)

It could be that your pick-up lines just aren’t working anymore. Maybe you have lost your edge.  Possibly you have just been hanging out in the wrong places. Whatever the case may be, if things just aren’t going your way lately you might want to skip going down to the Hog and Chicken or the slug and rocket (or whatever your local pub) and instead consider a holiday in Meshchovsk. It’s a sleepy little town in Russia, miles from anywhere (look here) but it may become the new hot place for single lonely guys looking for a travel destination where the girls are wild. Forget Ibiza, head to Meshchovsk.

First stop on your tour should be to see bad ass beautician,  Olga Zajac. If you don’t mind a kick or two, you could be in for a wild weekend.  Last week Olga surprised Viktor Jasinski when he stormed into her salon late in the afternoon waiving around a gun in an attempt to rob the place. Everyone was told to “get on the floor” but Olga, still standing, offered Viktor her contribution towards his take. It just so happens that Olga is a yellow belt in karate, so with one swift, precisely located punch to his chest, she floored Viktor. She then dragged him semi-conscious into the back room where she tied him to a radiator with a hairdryer cord.

Olga instructed the others to keep working, telling them that the police would soon arrive. But the police did not come. And after the other stylists and clients went home for the evening, Olga told Viktor to “take off his underwear” and let her do as she pleases, or she would call the cops. She tied him to the radiator with handcuffs covered in frilly pink fabric, fed him Viagra and had her way with him several times over the next 3 days. When she finally let him go on the evening of March 16, Viktor ran crying to the police, admitted he had gone to the salon to rob the place and then complained he had been “squeezed like a lemon”.

“What a bastard,” she told officers when they arrived to question her. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles (about $35) when he left.” “He wasn’t all that bad” she was quoted as saying. “Better then many of the dates I have had.”
Now, as you can see from the picture, this is not some 340 lb weightlifter from the Russian Olympic team, but an attractive, seemingly “normal” girl. She sounds like a fairly nice woman. Ok, so she may have smacked him once (but he WAS trying to rob the place) but she showed him a good time and she also gave him gifts.

So Last Exit to Reality, in an attempt to get a clearer view of the situation,  sent a reporter to Meshchovsk to look into the matter.
Because Olga is still being held on a rape charge we could not interview her. But her co-workers said Olga was a nice girl who never kicked or punched anyone that didn’t deserve it. Customers of the salon said she was always nice and quite a good beautician. One woman who said she had been friends with Olga for a very long time claimed that Olga had often dreamt of one day opening a kinky sex club in Meshchovsk. However, we could not find anyone who would substantiate this claim. One male co-worker said that her bum was way better then Pippa’s.

What will happen next is anyone’s guess. But according to Thomas Cook, bookings for Meshchovsk weekend getaways have gone up 98% in the last 48 hours. Is this a publicity stunt by the town of Meshchovsk? Is this a real couple about to open a sex club or video series just doing a promo stint? We will get to the bottom of this.

Update : We have had a chance to interview Olga, and she  said “I would do it again, and I hope he calls me.” She plans to start a new online pharmacy selling Olga Viagra and a sex club in Meshchovsk.
Bookings to see Olga can be made through Last Exit to Reality or you can simply choose one from Facebook.

Kiri Blakeley, a blogger with connections to celebrities that use powdered asparagus regularly, claims that this story may have first appeared in April 2009 in The Moscow Times.  In her blog she says;
“What’s different about the story this time around is that Viktor and Olga suddenly have last names. They are now Viktor Jasinski and Olga Zajac, according to the July 12 story. Yet I couldn’t find their last names in any of the April 2009 articles.”

Well we have good news for you, our faithful readers of Last Exit to Reality, there indeed was an incident that was similar in 2009, and strangely enough, the people involved DID have the same first names, but their last names were completely different. We have found this photo of the 2009 Olga – note how different they look. Their last names were not reported in that incident because there was a law in place (now removed from the law books) that said “any parties involved in sexual oriented kidnap/rape/robbery/Cialis complaints shall have their last names kept secret”. Yes, that’s right! please note that in that case, Cialis was used as the drug of choice and not Viagra. It’s purely coincidence that their first names are the same.

A reporter from Last Exit to Reality is still there in Meshchovsk, at the only hotel in town, waiting for more news. We will keep you updated.

Give money to the writers – feel good about yourself today.


3 thoughts on “From Russia With Love (Or How to get Laid in Russia and Get Some New Jeans Too)

Have your say ~ you MUST want to say something! Email address is Optional

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s