In breaking news from the Vatican, Last Exit to Reality has discovered that the Pope has now declared that Appletarians are nothing more than followers of a very dangerous and misleading cult. From today onward all Macs, iPads, iPhones or any Mac products in use by members of the Catholic clergy must be destroyed. When that is accomplished the church will tackle rampant Mac use in the community.
It was almost 15 years ago (Nearly 2.2 million in computer years) when Umbert Eco wrote that Macs are “cheerful, friendly and conciliatory, they tell the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach — if not the Kingdom of Heaven — the moment in which their document is printed.” He compared Macs and PCs to the two main branches of the Christian faith: Catholics and Protestants. He declared that the Mac is Catholic. Pope John Paul ll read this article while having his morning espresso and at that very moment decided that this was the way to bring the Catholic church in line with modern technology, the way to draw young people back to the church and the way to the future.
So that year, the Vatican discreetly removed each and every PC from its headquarters in Rome and ordered the secret Papal decree 103.29 “PC restituo omnia” (1994 John Paul ll). Mac was made the official computer of the faith. It was declared that ONLY Macs would be allowed in heaven. But now this sudden about-face is somewhat of an embarrassment for a church still reeling from mounting sex abuse allegations. But Pope Benedict XVI could no longer ignore calls from within the clergy calling for an end to this false idolatry. Undercover church representatives visited several openings at Mac stores across the world and watched in horror as people flocked in numbers greater than the Catholics have seen at one of their churches in years.
Here is a video smuggled out of the Vatican vaults by Last Exit to Reality undercover agents.
But it isn’t just this unhealthy obsession with Mac products that had the Vatican worried. Some could have put that down to clever marketing and people without lives. No, it goes much deeper than that. Recently a team of a British neuroscientists used an MRI scanner to look inside the brain of an Apple fanatic and the results suggested overwhelmingly that Apple was actually stimulating the same parts of the brain as religious imagery does in people of faith. These people actually BELIEVE in Mac. It is their mantra. It is their faith. You know what I am talking about if you have every tried to tell a Macist that a PC can do the same thing a Mac does. Or the fact that to do ANY repairs on a Mac product you have to take it into a Mac temple, even something as simple as removing the battery from your iPhone. There is also the frighteningly close similarity in that just like Catholicism, Apple doesn’t grant their users freedom of choice either.
So the Vatican had to flip-flop on policy before it was too late. Of course it is all being kept very quite as it would mean more bad press if they didn’t hold their ground. The timing is very bad too, because they were just about to change their stance on condoms but changing more than one thing every 50 years looks bad.
So, is this a new religion? Perhaps that’s a stretch of the imagination. But that’s what people thought too, about a failed science fiction writer turning what is essentially a stupid book into Scientology. So the Vatican is taking no chances. Even the Bishop of Buckingham who read his Bible on an iPad was recently quoted as saying there are similarities between Apple and a religion. He has since been told to stop preaching Mac to alter boys.
The Vatican is particularly upset by the fact that Mac use an apple as their icon. After all, it was the apple in the Garden of Eden that was Eve’s temptation. Inside sources have told us that they are also worried that if Steve Jobs should die and rise again, then it will spell the absolute end for Catholicism.
In London, a new Mac temple open recently, and people came from literally all over the world to be there. It’s not like they came all that way for a product they can surely get in their home town. Perhaps it is the chance to be a part of the opening of a new church, or maybe they aspire to become a Blue Shirted Mac Bee (See here). Maybe they just NEED something new to believe in. After all, it’s a long way to go just to get the latest version of OS X Leopard.
A Last Exit to Reality undercover agent sent through a coded cable before mysteriously disappearing after being asked to “see a new product” behind a closed-door at the opening of this shop. Witnesses to his disappearance could not be found, and no one would talk to us.
“Apple store opening like evangelical prayer meeting STOP Doesn’t look like they are here to buy a phone or laptop STOP Glassy Eyed, jubilant staff, customers waiting in huge lines, people everywhere STOP People jumping up and down clapping, screaming, and complete frenzy STOP Doors open, screams, high fives, cheers, chanting, shouting, chaos STOP Worried about safety STOP Being shown new product, they may be on to me STOP”
If you have any information on his whereabouts, please text me but DON’T use an iPhone – they are watching.
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