Wishing I Had Made Some Dinner (How I missed The Rapture)


It has been a sunny day in London (this in itself a small miracle) and I have spent the last few hours waiting for an earthquake or tornado. Normally on a sunny Saturday I would be doing something way more interesting. But today is the 21st of May. Yes, that’s right, Judgment Day. I keep checking the internet to see if New Zealand has sunk into the ocean or if the Philippines has erupted with volcanoes, but still nothing yet. But according to evangelist Harold Camping and his followers preaching on Family Radio, The End is Nigh, it’s Judgment Day, Our Time Has Come!

So I still haven’t taken anything out of the freezer for dinner. Why bother? Of course Harold and a whole host of others have predicted this day many times before. So what makes this one right? Well, first off, there WERE a couple of earthquakes near Christmas Island around 6pm local time. Never mind that there are some 40 earthquakes a day all over the planet, this has just GOT to be the one. Why? Well, I want to see people floating up off the top of buildings into the sky and see the occasional one be dropped to the earth that was sucked up by mistake and then rejected. I am going to videotape it, and then sell the amateur footage to a news station, as they CLEARLY aren’t taking this seriously enough.

And as I myself will surely be passed over for being a non-believer, I will get all my non-believer friends together and move into a really nice house previously inhabited by believers-gone-to-heaven. Since it will be the end of time and there will only be us riff-raff left on the planet, it’s going to be a free for all, so we will get an early start looting for a nice TV, sound system, Mercedes c300 convertible and whatever else we might want. And since the Reverend Camping won’t need all those millions that he has collected from his faithful (whom will all now be in heaven), I’ll just get some shady hacker friends to crack into his accounts and transfer the funds to mine.

But now it’s almost 5 o’clock and still nothing has happened anywhere on the planet. I keep checking the internet, I keep watching CNN. Nothing.
Damn, I wish I had planned something for dinner.

Help keep us writing. You can’t keep it all at the end of the world.

Here you can listen to Harold tell it like it is (like he did in 1994, but….ahhh, got the date wrong).
But he could have just read this and got all the answers.

And a more likely explanation

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3 thoughts on “Wishing I Had Made Some Dinner (How I missed The Rapture)

  1. Pingback: Survive 2012 – Know What You Need To Stay Alive | Is 2012 Real ? Find out the truth!

    • I have no idea why I got grouped in with a bunch of evangelical website preaching everything from Vegan (boring!) to tolerance in Christianity. Perhaps You wanted to post some links hoping people would read them? This is a humor article – I wasn’t REALLY waiting for the rapture. I am sure I’ll survive 2012 just as well as I have every other year leading up to it. Oh, and if a “planet” (which incidentally would have to have an orbit, therefore would be known) were actually on its way towards us, someone would have seen it. HELLO – There are like a million + people out there with high quality telescopes and and an education.

  2. Thank God I was surrounded by rapture-type people as a young teen…the madness of it became a catalyst to finding the spiritual side of life that exists outside of religion.
    Funny article by the way – I loves Six feet Under and had forgotten about that sequence– hysterical!

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