Does My Ass Look Big in This?


Ahh, the proverbial question. If you say yes, you are in trouble, if you say no the response comes back “what’s wrong with my ass?” Best to just pretend you didn’t hear the question. But what I am addressing here is not a shapely ass, nor a voluptuous figure. No, I am talking about Mammothons. Of course you have seen them, they may have even sat next to you on a bus or a flight to Majorca. I know, I know… it’s a thyroid problem or an endocrine problem. Yeah, right. Research (not mine but that of valid scientists that wear lab coats and use big words) suggest that this is only the case for a very small number of people. The truth is that it is mostly caused by several factors. The availability (and low cost) of fatty garbage foods, A total lack of any kind of exercise, bad attitudes (why should I conform?) and food addiction (like that bag of chips and slice of apple pie is going to make you feel better in the long run).

Now I am not saying one should live like a vegan on a macrobiotic diet. I for one am seriously addicted to chocolate. This is not some small time problem, I might add…. It’s gotten so serious that I have woken up in strange places, chocolate stains on my hands and mouth and no memory of the previous night. But more on that in a later article, maybe.

I understand the need for a quick snack sometimes, or a corner shop curry. But when this is the primary source of nutrition, and your only exercise is going to the door to get the curry delivery (or pizza, chicken and chips, whatever), then you know you are headed for trouble.
In Britain, more than 80,000 people claim payments for long-term sick leave because of obesity or drug or alcohol addiction, this contributing to a 7 billion pound annual bill for Incapacity Benefits. That’s one hell of a lot of chicken and chips.
According to the Department for Work and Pensions, out of that 80,000 are more than 21,200 alcoholics and drug addicts that have been receiving the payments for over 10 years. Imagine that! Getting paid to score some more (insert favorite drug here) and then not having to worry about being too wasted to go to work.

Now I can just hear those thyroid-challenged people shouting at me: “you’re a slim guy, you wouldn’t understand. It’s a fat thing” Maybe you are right. I don’t understand. But I have had to endure sitting next to you on a long haul flight in airline seats that are too small to fit anyone over 150 pounds and more then 5 feet tall. If the government (of whatever respective overweight nation) wants to get serious about this problem, they should ban the construction of new chicken and chip shops, phase out pure junk food (like lard bars, or butter pudding) and institute a regime where people on disability for this problem need to do 30 laps around the football pitch before picking up their check each month.

Oh, and for those 21,200 or so alcoholics and drug addicts getting a check to stay high – get in touch….I might be free next weekend.

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